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As the satire columnist for the English edition of ukrant.nl, I'm technically a professional writer, which is the funniest thing to come out of that job.

In addition to coming up with a dumb joke once every two weeks, I also write things for fun. This is a blog for those half baked ideas.

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Loji and Chee

Loji woke to find a lark perched on his forehead yelling about something.
“GET UP GET UP GET UP!” it squeaked.
“What is it friend?” Loji said sleepily. “Hm, you’re not from my grove.”
“GET UP GE-- OH you’re up!” it said excitedly.
“That I am.” he said, “What’s the rumpus?” Now that he looked, the forest did seem to be a little uneasy today.
“Chee’s family! Chee was away! Overnight, Talc turned!” The lark was frothing himself into a panic.
“What?” Talc’s been turned?” Loji sprung to the top of the nearest tree and the lark fluttered up after him.
Indeed, across the burn scar he could see an air of corruption drifting up from the heart of Talc’s grove. He’d heard about this sort of thing. It wasn’t good.
“When did this happen?” he asked the lark.
“Chee doesn’t know!”
“Stop talking about yourself in third person, it’s weird.”
“Che-- ah, sorry.” said Chee, “Ch- I get excited...”
“That’s ok Chee, we all do.” said Loji. “Anyway, what were you saying?”
“Right!” said Chee, “I was out visiting an old friend in another grove overnight, when I came back awhile ago I saw the corruption from afar! I came as fast as I could.”
Down below, a fox poked her head out of a nearby hole, “What’s going on Loji?” she called.
“Talc’s been turned.” he called back.
“Uh-oh.” she climbed out of her den and strode over to the base of their tree. “I heard the corruption burnt out years ago?”
“Uh-oh is right.” said Loji as he drifted back down from the tree, “ And I thought so, but that was before I can remember... looks like I chose a bad day to sleep in.”
“You sleep in every day.” said the fox. Loji ignored her.
“What are we going to do?” said Chee, panic creeping back into his voice.
Loji looked wistfully at that patch of shade where he’d been sleeping peacefully moments before. “I guess we’ll go tell Ada.”
“We?” said Chee, aghast, “Ada scares me. You go.”
Loji laughed, “Come on, it’s your grove we’re telling her about! Plus Ada isn’t that scary, she’d just intense.”


---


Ada is kinda scary, thought Loji as he looked up at the wizened dryad glowering down at him.
He sat cross legged amongst the massive aspens at the heart of Ada’s grove. When he and Chee told her she had first been shocked, but now she was mad they hadn’t told her earlier.
“The moment I found out I flew as fast as I could to Loji.” said Chee.
“I know.” said Ada, “You did what you should have.” Chee let out a bird pitched sigh of relief. “But Loji, Talc’s heart is closest to yours, and you have a clear view because of the burn scar. Why didn’t you notice sooner?”
Loji shrugged.
“He was asleep!” offered Chee.
“Haha, what? You don’t know that...” said Loji, turning to Ada, “He wasn’t even there!”
“I knew it!” said Ada, “Loji, you are laziest dryad I’ve ever heard of.”
“Hey-hey, woah hold on, you’re, uh... pretty old.” said Loji, “You’ve probably heard of a whole bunch of dryads.”
“And you’re the laziest!” snapped Ada.
“Oh.” said Loji.
Ada turned away from them and began pacing between her trees.
“So... what are we gonna do?” asked Loji.
You’re going to go back to your grove and keep an eye on Talc from afar.” She said. “Even though he won’t make a move yet try not to fall asleep.”
“I-- oh alright.” said Loji. As he stood, Chee, who had been perched on his shoulder, squaked in protest and puffed out his yellow feathered chest.
“Meanwhile I’ll call the others for a meeting this evening.” said Ada.
“You’re having a meeting without me?” said Loji.
“Yes.” said Ada, “Don’t look so indignant.”

“Well then.” said Loji. He turned and, followed by Chee, bounded out of Ada’s heart, trying to look as indignant as he possibly could.

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