Welcome

As the satire columnist for the English edition of ukrant.nl, I'm technically a professional writer, which is the funniest thing to come out of that job.

In addition to coming up with a dumb joke once every two weeks, I also write things for fun. This is a blog for those half baked ideas.

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Loji and Chee

Loji woke to find a lark perched on his forehead yelling about something.
“GET UP GET UP GET UP!” it squeaked.
“What is it friend?” Loji said sleepily. “Hm, you’re not from my grove.”
“GET UP GE-- OH you’re up!” it said excitedly.
“That I am.” he said, “What’s the rumpus?” Now that he looked, the forest did seem to be a little uneasy today.
“Chee’s family! Chee was away! Overnight, Talc turned!” The lark was frothing himself into a panic.
“What?” Talc’s been turned?” Loji sprung to the top of the nearest tree and the lark fluttered up after him.
Indeed, across the burn scar he could see an air of corruption drifting up from the heart of Talc’s grove. He’d heard about this sort of thing. It wasn’t good.
“When did this happen?” he asked the lark.
“Chee doesn’t know!”
“Stop talking about yourself in third person, it’s weird.”
“Che-- ah, sorry.” said Chee, “Ch- I get excited...”
“That’s ok Chee, we all do.” said Loji. “Anyway, what were you saying?”
“Right!” said Chee, “I was out visiting an old friend in another grove overnight, when I came back awhile ago I saw the corruption from afar! I came as fast as I could.”
Down below, a fox poked her head out of a nearby hole, “What’s going on Loji?” she called.
“Talc’s been turned.” he called back.
“Uh-oh.” she climbed out of her den and strode over to the base of their tree. “I heard the corruption burnt out years ago?”
“Uh-oh is right.” said Loji as he drifted back down from the tree, “ And I thought so, but that was before I can remember... looks like I chose a bad day to sleep in.”
“You sleep in every day.” said the fox. Loji ignored her.
“What are we going to do?” said Chee, panic creeping back into his voice.
Loji looked wistfully at that patch of shade where he’d been sleeping peacefully moments before. “I guess we’ll go tell Ada.”
“We?” said Chee, aghast, “Ada scares me. You go.”
Loji laughed, “Come on, it’s your grove we’re telling her about! Plus Ada isn’t that scary, she’d just intense.”


---


Ada is kinda scary, thought Loji as he looked up at the wizened dryad glowering down at him.
He sat cross legged amongst the massive aspens at the heart of Ada’s grove. When he and Chee told her she had first been shocked, but now she was mad they hadn’t told her earlier.
“The moment I found out I flew as fast as I could to Loji.” said Chee.
“I know.” said Ada, “You did what you should have.” Chee let out a bird pitched sigh of relief. “But Loji, Talc’s heart is closest to yours, and you have a clear view because of the burn scar. Why didn’t you notice sooner?”
Loji shrugged.
“He was asleep!” offered Chee.
“Haha, what? You don’t know that...” said Loji, turning to Ada, “He wasn’t even there!”
“I knew it!” said Ada, “Loji, you are laziest dryad I’ve ever heard of.”
“Hey-hey, woah hold on, you’re, uh... pretty old.” said Loji, “You’ve probably heard of a whole bunch of dryads.”
“And you’re the laziest!” snapped Ada.
“Oh.” said Loji.
Ada turned away from them and began pacing between her trees.
“So... what are we gonna do?” asked Loji.
You’re going to go back to your grove and keep an eye on Talc from afar.” She said. “Even though he won’t make a move yet try not to fall asleep.”
“I-- oh alright.” said Loji. As he stood, Chee, who had been perched on his shoulder, squaked in protest and puffed out his yellow feathered chest.
“Meanwhile I’ll call the others for a meeting this evening.” said Ada.
“You’re having a meeting without me?” said Loji.
“Yes.” said Ada, “Don’t look so indignant.”

“Well then.” said Loji. He turned and, followed by Chee, bounded out of Ada’s heart, trying to look as indignant as he possibly could.

I kind of like the name "Winter in the Dorms

As the title of the blob, it was literally what the blog was going to be about. But now I'm starting to like the idea of it as the name for just a general blog.

Which is what I think I'll turn this into. I'll just post whatever here.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Running in the cold

Right around this time last year I was training for the Colfax Marathon. It was part of a high school project, and fortunately I had the class it was for during first period. So for a long time, every other day I would run 10k to school. It was great fun, but hella cold. Like, snowstorm cold. So I bought some leggings and a good long sleeved running shirt.

The shirt and leggings haven't seen much use recently thoug, because the weather's been pretty nice, and I've kind of avoided running in bad weather.

So today, when I donned my cold weather garb thinking that since there's snow on the ground it was cold enough to warrant it, I was in for a surprise.

I ended up being hot. Thankfully there was a sort of critical mass of hotness, where my sweat was cooling me down enough to keep me just under "uncomfortably hot".

That's what I did today.

Friday, December 18, 2015

The checklist

I've found that when I don't have any outside obligations, it's kinda hard to make myself do anything at all. This was kind of a problem, because I want to do lots of stuff, but man, that bed just looks soooo comfy...

I meditated on this and decid- nah, kidding. It took me 20 seconds to come up with a half assed checklist including such difficult tasks as "Take a shower" and "Make lunch".

But showering and making lunch weren't things I was making the checklist for. I'm more concerned with the "Run 5 miles," "Write blog post," and, "write at minimum one page."

Monday, December 14, 2015

Dr. Todd's adventure

The strange creature snapped up Dr. Todd and trotted off with him clutched between its jaws.
"Oh dear." groaned the doctor after realizing his predicament, "Wouldn't you kindly put me down?"
The creature said nothing. Its humid breath rushed around his shell and fogged in the cold air. Doctor Todd suspected that he might have gagged if he was possessed of a better sense of smell.
"Hold on a minute!" said the doctor to himself suddenly, "I've studied these creatures: It must be a penguin who has mistaken me for a rock, and now plans to add me to his nest!"
"I'm not a penguin." said the penguin.
"AAH!" screamed Todd, "A talking penguin!"
"Are you done Todd?" asked the penguin which insisted it wasn't.
"Are we not in fact in the arctic?" asked doctor Todd.
"No. We're in new England. Also I'm not a penguin." said the penguin
"No... I'm quite certain we are in the arctic, and that you're a penguin." said the doctor indignantly, "I do have a PhD you know."
"Penguins live in the Antarctic, Todd"
"Yes alright Jerry." snapped Todd. "Can't I have a little fun every once in awhile? Christ."
Jerry chuckled and trotted back to their yard. On the porch a worried looking boy was peering into the flower pots
The boy looked up, "There you are Jerry! Good boy! What have you got there?"
Jerry dropped Dr. Todd on the porch. The boy shrieked with excitement.
"Mom! Look! Jerry found the doctor!" yelled the boy through the screen door.
"It's a good thing we have Jerry." called back his mother, "That turtle gets lost so often it's like he thinks he's an adventurer or something!"
Jerry wagged his tail, and watched as the happy boy carried Todd, who was grumbling something about how he WAS an adventurer, inside.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

I went to Texas.

Sorry, I think I forgot to mention that I was going to Texas for the week...

but I did write some short stories while I was there, so I'll be posting those tomorrow and the day after.