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As the satire columnist for the English edition of ukrant.nl, I'm technically a professional writer, which is the funniest thing to come out of that job.

In addition to coming up with a dumb joke once every two weeks, I also write things for fun. This is a blog for those half baked ideas.

Monday, February 1, 2016

Loji III

“WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?!”
Loji bolted awake, fell out of his tree and landed face first at the feet of a laughing Tiff.
“Oh hi Tiff, you startled me.” he hopped to his feet, “What are you doing here?”
“Your fox said you wanted to see me,” said Tiff, “But if you’ve changed your mind it’s getting late and I do have a meeting to be at pretty soon.”
Over Tiff’s shoulder Loji saw a smug looking fox wink at him before disappearing into some bush or something.
“Ah, um, no no, stay!” he said, Curse that fox, I said ‘check up on things,’ how could you do this to me? “So um, have you heard the news?”
“I heard you almost got your head ripped off by Ada for sleeping too much.” said Tiff, Loji looked at the ground. “Oh it’s alright,” Tiff laughed again, “Ada’s just anxious because of this stuff with Talc. You’re no lazier than the rest of us. I probably sleep just as much as you.”
“Really?” said Loji, “Well hey, you should come sleep with me sometime--ah...”
Loji felt the sudden urge to die.
Tiff raised an eyebrow.
“Oh damn it.” he stammered, “That’s not what I meant at all.”
“Mmhm” Tiff smirked at him. “Maybe I should.”
He opened his mouth to speak twice, not quite managing it either time. Tiff smirked even harder.
“Well I’m off to that meeting then.” she said before prancing off, “Bye! Have fun playing lookout!” Her melodious laugh faded into the distance. She was the worst... and the best. He couldn’t quite decide.
His daydreaming was interrupted by Chee landing atop his head.
“It’s occurred to me that you seem awfully calm about this whole thing.” said Chee “Don’t you have things you’re supposed to be doing? Isn’t this a big deal?”
“Well, not really.” Loji said, “It’s only a crush.”
“I’m talking about Talc being corrupted.”
“Oh.”
“Well I guess that reaction was an answer in itself.” said Chee, “Have you been hit in the head recently?”
“Rude.”said Loji, “But you and Tiff reminded me, I am supposed to be looking out.” He hopped back up the branches of his tree and cupped his hand on his brow in an exaggerated lookout pose.
“But really though, aren’t you worried?”
“I should be asking you that Chee.” said Loji, “All your neighbors and your family have had their life force absorbed by a corrupted dryad. Shouldn’t you be more worried?”
“Unlike you, I have reasons justifying my lack of extreme concern: I was new to the grove and mostly kept to myself,” said Chee, “and while my nest was easily the best for miles, it had yet to attract a mate, so I had no family there.”
“Ah so you didn’t have much tying you down?” said Loji.
“Exactly.” said Chee. “So that’s me. Your turn, tell me what you’re thinking.”
“Well,” said Loji, “evidently this isn’t the first time a dryad around here has turned. According to Ada the first time this happened things got way out of hand,” Loji gestured to the burn scar. “and that happened. Plus it’s not as though once someone’s turned we can’t turn them back.”
“Huh, well I would still be pretty worried if I were in your position.” said Chee.
“Eh.” said Loji. Chee regarded him skeptically.
“Dryads are weird.”

“Rude.”

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