Hansel and Gretel

Hansel and Gretel lived in a little house on the edge of a village with their mother and father. They lived a happy life together. But one day, their mother died. It was terribly sad. Their father tried to be strong for them, but they could tell that it was hurting him. So when he began seeing someone new, even though they still missed their mother, they were happy for him.

“Do you think they’ll get married?” said Hansel. He stood atop a footstool on his tiptoes and peered through the window at their father and this strange new woman.

“I don’t know Hansel.” said Gretel, “They only just met a week or two ago.”

“Do you think she’ll tell us stories?” said Hansel, “Oh! Here they come!” Hansel jumped down from the footstool and ran to the door as their Father and the Woman entered.

“Children! We have excellent news for you!” boomed their Father’s warm voice, “We’re getting married!”

“Hooray!” exclaimed Hansel.

“What? Seriously?” said Gretel. She looked in disbelief between her Father and the woman whose name she didn’t even know. The woman glared at her and she dropped her gaze to the ground. “Hooray.” said Gretel.

“We’ll have a big dinner to celebrate!” said their father, and they did! They had a huge dinner!

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“Oh isn’t she wonderful, Gretel?” said Hansel after their father tucked them in that night.

“Uh yeah, I guess,” said Gretel. “Didn’t it bother you how she was glaring at us all night?”

“And she’s so pretty!” said Hansel, “I’m so glad for father.”

“Yeah,” said Gretel, “I hope he’s happy.”

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But he wasn’t.

That night, their father saw their new stepmother mixing a poison, and fearing for his children's lives, stole into their room in the dead of night.

“Hansel, Gretel, wake up,” their Father said. “We must away into the forest.”

“Dad, it’s like, three in the morning,” said Gretel crossly.

“Shush my dear,” said their father. “All will be made clear in time. For now just get dressed quietly and come outside.”

Trusting in their father, Hansel and Gretel did as they were told. It was a warm summer night but they grabbed their jackets anyway.

Their father stood outside with a large burlap sack swung over his shoulder.

“Follow me children, we must leave quickly,” he whispered.

“I’m scared father,” said Hansel. “Why are we leaving?”

“Your stepmother plans to kill you both. You must get away from here!” said their father.

“She what?!” said Gretel, then to Hansel: “I told you it was weird that she was glaring at us like that!”

“Come on children,” said their father.

“Wait, where are we going?” said Gretel.

“Into the forest.”

“Into the--? what?!” said Gretel. “It’s pretty dangerous in there wouldn’t you say?”

“Come on kids, we can do this the easy way or the hard way,” said their father.

“Let’s think about this rationally for a second.” said Gretel.

“Hard way it is then.” said their father, and he stuffed the both of them into his burlap bag and took off into the forest.

“I have a plan, Gretel.” said Hansel as they bounced around in the bag.

“Could you try to stop kneeing me in the ribs, Hansel.” said Gretel.

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After what seemed like hours of bouncing around, the bag containing the siblings was dropped somewhere in the forest.

“I’m sorry children! You’ll be safer here!” said their father. “Don’t follow me!”

“This forest isn’t safe at all! At least open the bag!” called Gretel after her father’s fading footfalls. “Ugh, Hansel help me get this bag open.”

After a few minutes of fumbling they tumbled out of the bag onto the damp forest floor.

“Oh! it’s all muddy,” said Hansel. “Be careful Gretel, you wouldn’t want to get your dress dirty.”

“That’s what you’re worried about?” said Gretel. “Shouldn’t we be worried about how to get out of here?”

“Oh, worry not dear sister,” Hansel grinned. “For as father ran, I dropped a trail of breadcrumbs through a small hole in the bag so that we might find our way out of this dark wood.”

Gretel silently contemplated her brother.

“That was your plan?” she said. “We’re in a forest!”

“Exactly! So we need a trail to get out,” said Hansel.

Gretel stared at Hansel.

“Do you know how many little critters there are in this forest?”

“I... oh,” said Hansel.

“Yeah,” said Gretel. “Your trail got eaten within twenty seconds of you dropping it.”

Hansel looked at the ground.

“Jesus Christ. It’s a good thing my phone has GPS,” said Gretel. Then, “Why did you even have all those breadcrumbs anyway?”

“I thought it was a good plan,” mumbled Hansel.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Yeah alright.” Gretel pulled out her phone. “By the power of Google Maps, the village is... that way.”

So they set off back through the forest, their path lit by the digital glow of Gretel’s smartphone.

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After a time, they arrived at a clearing with a pile of bones and a little house made of candy in it.

“Oh my goodness!” Hansel squealed, “A house made of candy!”

“Not gonna comment on the pile of bones?” said Gretel, “Hey, wait; don’t eat it!”

But Hansel had already bit off a piece of gingerbread fence.

“Bleah!” Hansel spat out the fence, “That’s disgusting!”

“It’s been sitting outside for who knows how long!” exclaimed Gretel, “What did you expect?”

“For it to taste like gingerbread I guess.” said Hansel.

“Eh. Gingerbread is pretty gross even when it hasn’t been sitting outside.” said Gretel, “Anyway, who builds a house out of candy anyway? This place creeps me out.”

“Let’s go knock on the door!” said Hansel as he bolted through the gate.

“I- No wait!” called Gretel. Too late though: her brother was already banging on the door.

Gretel followed her brother through the gate. As she reached the first step of the porch the door opened, revealing a gnarled old woman.

“EHEHE hello my pretties!” cackled the old woman, “Would you like to come in? I have some candy for you!”

“Oh man would I!” said Hansel. “I love candy!”

Gretel grabbed Hansel’s sleeve before he could run inside.

“Uh, no we would not like to come in. No offence.” said Gretel, “You’ve got a house made of candy in the middle of the woods, and a pile of what looks like human bones in your front yard.”

“Hey! You shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, Gretel!” said Hansel.

“No, she’s obviously a witch or something,” said Gretel.

“So you’ve discovered my secret!” screeched the witch, “I was planning on fattening you up before eating you, but I suppose I can just eat you right now!”

With that she swooped down and grabbed the children by their collars.

“Ah! Let go of me!” cried Hansel.

“Fuck off!” yelled Gretel, and punched her in the nose.

The witch dropped the children.

“OW!” said the witch, clutching her face “You little brat! I think you broke my nose!”

“Run, Hansel!” said Gretel, and they sprinted off into the woods.

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“I don’t think she’s following us.” panted Hansel.

“Let’s not risk it!” said Gretel, “Plus we’re almost back to the village. Just a little more.”

“I can’t wait to get back to my own bed!” said Hansel.

“Same.” said Gretel, “But our house isn’t going to be our first stop.”

“Why not?” said Hansel.

“Murderous stepmother?”

“Oh, right.” said Hansel, “Then where are we going?”

“The police.” said Gretel.